things are looking kind of up...

so, i'm hoping to be in my new apartment by july. i think i've found the perfect one.
i've come into a bit of money and i'm trying to save the best i can. it's difficult not to
spend money when you live on your own. it's always easier to just pick up fast food
on your way home than come home and cook. plus gas, smokes (which, yeah i could
do without--to some degree lol), etc.

anyway, worked both jobs today. i'm beat.
i have much more to do this week. tomorrow after work i have a birthday party
for my boyfriend's nephew. thursday i have to go to my grandma's after work.
and then FRIDAY! woo hoo! i couldn't be more ready for this weekend. i have not
had a single night of rest this week and i won't until friday. so, we'll see what happens.

well, i must now crash as i must get up and start this shit all over again tomorrow. :)

more bloggings another time.

good vibes and smiles.
-j

out, out, out, out, OUT!

i wanna get out of this apartment as soon as i possibly can.
i'd rather live in my car with my dog and all of my belongings.
everyone in my life is becoming SO incredibly useless to me.

you have a bad night and you think, "oh hey, my boyfriend
might wanna come cheer me up", but no, he's wrapped up in
his own shit AS USUAL.
or maybe like you've been asking for the past month, he'd come over
on tuesdays when you're working twelve hour days at two jobs just to make
ends meet and to eventually pay for everything we do over the weekend, so
he can simply let the dog out so he doesn't piss all over the room.
but no, he's wrapped up in his own shit, AS. USUAL.

i am so tired of this shit.

my roommate constantly has to have someone here. they gotta fuckin' party.
hey, you know what's a great idea? let's go pick up one of my (as in her's) friends
who just got a two month old female puppy and bring it over to the apartment
where my roommate (me) has a grown male dog who's not neutered and then let
my (her) friend badmouth my (her) roommate and her dog because he's not used
to being around young female dogs and wants to fuck her.

so in a rage, i storm off to my bedroom with my dog who has been whining incessantly
for the past two hours because he just wants to play with the puppy.

i am fed up with feeling like a fucking guest in my own fucking apartment. i am tired of never having a say in WHEN people come over and WHAT people come over. i'm tired of being disrespected in a home that I pay for by people who DO NOT pay to live here, but seem to weasel their way into staying here for days at a time. this isn't a god damn commune!

i am FED. UP.
i have two months left here and i'm hoping i can keep my sanity that long. i've come two years without flipping my shit on everyone here and i'm trying to keep it all sound in my brain until then.

so here i lie, exiled to my room in MY home. i'm furious at pretty much everyone right now.
trying so desperately to keep my cool right now.

i hate this place. i wish i had the money to pay for the next two month's rent. i'd fucking drop it in the rent slot and leave.
i'm out may 1st. i'm dropping off my rent check and LEAVING.

i miss new york.
i wanna go right this second.
i'm so tired of all the selfishness from the people in my day-to-day life. it's really getting obnoxious. i give and i give and i give and i receive nothing in return. less than nothing.
i'm not taking this shit anymore.
i quit everyone.
go to hell, all of you.

3/4

another day, another dollar.
speaking of which, i get paid at midnight. excellent.

i wonder if anyone else ever experiences this:
you want something (doesn't matter what or who it is. ie- wanting to leave work,
wanting to be with a certain someone, etc.) so badly that it feels as though your
brain is in a glass case and you cannot free yourself from the utter frustration
of not being able to have what you want. it's almost impossible to explain what
i mean. you nearly become literally claustrophobic in a literally open setting
because of the wavelengths your brain is on.

i wonder if there's a medical term for that. perhaps it's "impatience". lol

i can't wait for my license plate sticker to arrive so i can actually do what i
would like to do at night. i don't need a ticket for expired plates. that's just
not a good idea.

tomorrow's friday, thankfully.
i gotta find a way to get through my workday so i can come home to my
honey. thinking of having some folks over saturday night, so that should be
fun. i'm looking forward to actually being able to turn my brain off and
unwind this weekend. it's going to go by so fast, i just know it. heh.

well, if i find myself unable or unwilling to blog this weekend, i hope you,
the universe, resound in peace and harmony until i return.

send lovey vibes into the world.

jess

safe place to blog...

well, i decided to create one of these. i have certain people on my facebook, myspace and twitter that read everything i post. i wanted a place to call my own to (electronically) release some thoughts, frustrations, anger, happiness, ideas, etc. a place where random people read, not people i see everyday.
so that's what this blogspot is for. i'll update as often as i can and as detailed as i can.

so as of today, things are really looking up for me. it's great because 2009 was such a shit year. i lost so much and spent so much of it sad and lonely. now i'm working constantly and i'm making good money. i'm comfortable and happy and i have room to move around financially. and the best part? i did it all on my own. i made this happen for myself. i had help staying afloat, of course, but all i have now, i achieved all on my own. i'm proud of me. and what's better, my mom's proud of me. there's nothing better than her being proud of me. i know i've done good when she's happy with how i'm doing and what i'm doing. twenty four years old and her approval still means the world to me.

i have four weddings to attend this year. FOUR! three of them from people i know, one is one of kevin's friends. so many people i know are getting married and/or having kids. it makes me jealous and impatient. i want kevin to be done with school. i wanna be engaged. i wanna get married. but i'm so grateful for what i have right now, right this second that i try to stop, breathe and remember that life is good the way it is. i'll have it all one day. and the best part is, i know exactly who i'm going to spend the rest of my life with. that's a great feeling.

as i lie here in my apartment alone, looking for my next apartment, i'm eternally grateful for the people in my life. they're there for a reason and i couldn't be happier. i think i've finally weeded out almost all of the negative in my life. i'm so glad. stress is not for me. negativity is not for me. i can't handle it. i need calm and positivity. i'm a serene person and i need serenity around me.

looking forward to the weekend ahead. much to do, much to enjoy.
considering getting a new comforter and bed sheets this weekend. very excited.

i'm not sure who is going to end up reading this. even if it's no one, i'm glad my words are out here.

take care, whoever you are.
appreciate your universe and the people in it. <3

jess